THE SHADOW AND RELATIONSHIPS

“İnsan yaşamının esas gailesi; kendi tedavisidir, yani kendi eksikliklerini tamamlamak, çatışmalarını çözümlemek ve zedelenmişliklerinin ıstırabını azaltmaktır.” C. G. Jung 

“The main concern of human life is self-healing; that is, completing one’s own deficiencies, resolving conflicts, and alleviating the suffering caused by one’s wounds.” — C. G. Jung

While being swept away in the current of life by technological advancements, we try to be peaceful and healthy. However, achieving this balance requires slowing down and resting a bit. When problems arise, we expect quick solutions and easily exhaust ourselves, our environment, and even our relationships. What we don’t realize is that illnesses begin first in the mind, wound our soul, and then manifest in our body. Unconscious and subconscious influences that we are unaware of affect our physical and spiritual condition as well as all our choices in conscious life. For this, we need to look within ourselves:

"He who looks outside, dreams; he who looks inside, awakens." (1) And awakening is healing.

What Does Looking Inside Mean? What is Inside Us? How do we look?

“There is a self within me, deeper than myself,” as Y. Emre says. According to various sources, the “Self” is considered either a part of the soul or related to the unconscious/subconscious. When a person journeys toward their center, there is an interaction among all of these. According to C. Jung, founder of analytical psychiatry, the “Self” is the adventure of growth and development toward the Spirit; it constitutes individuation and integration. The resulting individual awareness contributes to the collective consciousness of all humanity. This is the truth that if we change, the world changes…

First, let us clarify some terms based on Jung’s analytical psychology:

• Ego is not the pride we commonly know; it is only a part of our personality and consciousness. It is the conscious factor we acquire throughout life.

  
  

• Self is the sum of consciousness and unconsciousness, forming the entirety of an individual’s personality.

  
  

• Persona is the mask we develop to be accepted and adapt to society. Don’t say “I have no mask”: think about parts of yourself that contradict your true self. For example, if we exaggerate appearing strong, it means there is a part in our inner world that feels weak.

  
  

• Collective unconscious is the genetic heritage of our ancestors spanning thousands of years, like instinctive behaviors; it is not affected by personal experience and is the deepest part of the unconscious.

  
  

• Archetype represents the universal patterns and symbols in this deep part. Anima (the female figure in the male) and Animus (the male figure in the female) are profound shadows living in the unconscious of men and women.

• 
  

• Shadow Archetype: Deep within, it consists of repressed feelings a person does not want to face. In the process of civilization, innate traits develop according to societal norms; those that do not fit, even if good, will be repressed or denied. Sometimes traits that could benefit us also reside in our shadow. For example, the warrior archetype: combative, resilient, courageous, and a pioneer of cultural or political transformation. It can confront death knowing life is finite. If this energy is directed toward a noble cause, it is beautiful. Otherwise, a repressed warrior shadow may become aggressive and destructive. Such shadows affecting the collective can lead to societal wars.

  
  

Nietzsche similarly said, “The tree that grows toward heaven must send its roots to hell.” (2) emphasizing that true maturity requires facing one’s dark side bravely. Actually, our shadow side holds a strong, creative, and hidden energy; this energy can make us unique and creative. However, a repressed shadow controls the person and can turn into violence, depression, or a “monster.” Instead of suppressing it, we can transform it into a contributing element in daily life. If we repress and reject it, we unconsciously project it onto others, sometimes as mirroring, anger, judgment, or criticism. This is not a defense mechanism but a refusal to evolve.

The Role of the Shadow in Relationships

As social beings, the shadow plays an essential role in every relationship and especially in love. People we encounter are never accidental. There are no mistakes in the universe. Hidden fears, emotions, and powerful potentials in our subconscious await resolution; they seize opportunities to become visible and resolved. The familiarity we feel toward someone is a subconscious connection. This is not fate. The invisible forces of the subconscious act as catalysts through cosmic organization and synchronicity.

Not every encounter brings happiness. More painful dynamics are meant to break the soul’s shell for growth and development. Spiritual transformation requires stepping beyond the comfort zone. We often avoid change when in comfort. “You cannot discover the truth in seclusion; you only see yourself in the mirror of another person,” says Shams of Tabriz.

While our heart longs for belonging and permanence, our soul desires to grow and awaken to truth. This contradiction can create chaos. Is this a genuine connection, or a reflection of the emptiness or shadow within us? Are we repeating the same cycle?

A real connection does not cause abdominal pain, nor does it trigger reactions in your body or nervous system. It awakens your soul, shakes your worldview, but whispers peace to your heart. This attraction, beyond logic, distance, and even life, relates to the awakening of anima/animus archetypes in the deep layers of collective and individual subconscious. Our choices are made unconsciously according to these subconscious traits.

We all project our repressed aspects (shadow or admired traits) onto others. Projection is inevitable for individuation. It is the journey toward becoming the person we are meant to be. The deeper the connection, the more shadows emerge. Conflicts are inevitable. At this critical moment, separation bells may toll. Inner and outer chaos seek meaning and reason. Though separation is painful, it is developmental. It is time to look inward. It is the moment to hear not the ego, but the voice of the soul. Cycles of silence and withdrawal invite integration with our shadow through conscious love. Intuition and dreams guide us. If a true confrontation with ourselves occurs, reunion may happen when managed correctly: a deep spiritual bond beyond desire and physical connection, serving the awakening of consciousness. When individuation is complete, two free souls find each other effortlessly, without chasing or forcing.

Encountering Our Shadow

Like light seeping through a door opened in darkness, it can burn our eyes; this is not a punishment. Instead of focusing on pain, we should ask, “What did this awaken within me?” Is it tearing down the walls we built? Questioning self-betrayal? Realizing that life is fragile when broken?

It shows how we dull ourselves to conform and what we repress. Everything has an end and potential for new beginnings. Every night has a morning, but you are not the same person at the end of the night. If we refuse to see what we must, our bond with the soul breaks; we hinder growth. We do not allow pain to transform us into more compassionate beings. The time has come for our persona, which we have worn like armor for years, to dissolve.

True Relationships

There are no masks; everyone’s boundaries are protected and respected. For example, not being able to say “no” is not disrespect but denying one’s self. Even your silences are heard. There is no control or manipulation. Openness to criticism and importance of intuition are valued. In the midst of a storm, staying calm without being a slave to emotions or reacting rashly, the focus is on solutions, not battles. Being able to express oneself easily and be authentic is important.

Being connected is not dependency; it is being able to be centered while bonded. Someone who can say “I” can say “we.” A healthy self can establish meaningful and conscious “we-ness.”

Unhealthy Relationships

Boundaries are violated; personalities get lost in each other. Self-respect is lost, freedom becomes selfishness, and personal needs and dreams vanish. There is blame and judgment. Your voice is unheard; you are together yet alone. There is no clarity; assumptions and expectations lead to dead ends.

Trauma, Past, and Transformation

Childhood trauma is often referenced. We all experience many adverse situations throughout life. So, what is trauma?

“Trauma is not the event itself; it is what happens inside us when we cope with it.” — B. van der Kolk

That is, trauma is not the experienced event but the emotional reaction we give to it. Neurotransmitters are synthesized and stored in memory, body, and subconscious. As children, we may not react consciously. But now, past memories can be transformed and healed emotionally and sensorially. Trying to forget or suppress increases the energy of our shadow. Then we attract what feels familiar. For example, if we grew up in chaos, a peaceful relationship or workplace may not feel safe. If we struggled to be loved as children, we may even question the pure love of others.

How to Proceed?

• First, take time for yourself; list your most important values.

• Observe how you treat yourself when alone: Is there neediness? Judgment? Can you love yourself? What can you do to change this?

• Review past relationships: What did you learn?

• Where are the ignored boundaries? They could be in family or workplace.

• Act as the person you want to be, both at home and outside.

• Try meditations for the inner journey.

• Look at the reflection in the mirror.

  
  

Of course, this will not be easy. Facing realities may have a cost. We may choose self-deception or consolation. But looking at life as a school and learning from experiences provides emotional and cognitive maturity. True transformation is possible without blaming oneself, by understanding and embracing oneself. Healing does not erase the past; it corrects the relationship with the past.

The new “awareness” gained is not a deep wound; it is profound self-knowledge. The wrong person may awaken you at the right time. An awakened soul creates expansion in the mind and feels peace in the heart like butterflies with wings. What is inside is reflected outside. If there is chaos inside, it shows outside too. Surely, we project not only our shadow but also our light onto each other.

I have personally experienced deeply how our shadow governs our life and that facing it requires inner transformation. What I thought was trauma or fate forced me to meet myself. After changing my perspective, I began to experience spiritual growth with a strange peace. And... while enjoying the peaceful balance inside, I noticed shadows I had not yet faced through a new journey. Inner depth is a familiar feeling… Identities in conscious life are both separate and close… Like pushing/pulling magnets… Or Yin and Yang... Logic and emotions intertwined...

Of course, I used the power of my intuition and the guidance of my inner voice. While questioning myself, I felt the ironic peace of deep pain. I walked fearlessly into the darkness to see the stars. Because I did not want to live in fear and be just a spectator in life. I always remembered the saying, “What does not kill us makes us stronger.” (2) I loved the sea not only for its calmness but also for its waves... When looked at with awareness, relationships, life, even difficulties gain meaning. Let us always remember, life has ups and downs, like an EKG in medicine... If it is a straight line, you are considered dead...

There is much to write about shadow and relationships... Let Jung have the last word again:

"The unconscious governs you until you bring it to consciousness, and you call this fate." Transforming our fate is truly in our hands...

References:

(1) Carl Gustav Jung quote

(2) Friedrich Nietzsche quote

(3) General bibliography https://www.youtube.com/@Zihin.Ötesi